If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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