the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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