i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I want is dick and wine.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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