if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
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I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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