Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
