im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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