There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
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Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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