so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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