when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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