Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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