She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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