Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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