I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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