I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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