Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
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Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't deserve a penis
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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