She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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