im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize