and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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