Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think i got beer on your cat.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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