I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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