i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
where are you?
Hypothermia
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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