textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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