i love accidental penises.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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