Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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