I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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