and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
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I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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