the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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