3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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