My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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