dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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