So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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