How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
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That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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