It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
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you are never too drunk for berry picking
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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