It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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