hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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