Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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