i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
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After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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