i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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