I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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