So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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