i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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