Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize