You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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