Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize