The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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