it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize