We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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