the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
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His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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