so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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