I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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